I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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