In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
