Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
