Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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