GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
