Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
