I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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