There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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