Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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