I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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