last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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