Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My penis needs a shock collar
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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