I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
