He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
