Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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