When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
