Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
