Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
smell my finger.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
