i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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