Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
