Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I AM VODKA MAN
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
