How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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