Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
