He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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