so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
