So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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