Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
