I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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