i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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