My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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