honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
