He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
