guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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