Will you blow on my dice?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
