If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
