We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
