you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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