mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
