I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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