I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So vagazzling was a success
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
