you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
