It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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