so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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