If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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