Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
