Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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