hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
