It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
