u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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