Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
