My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You are a genius and a whore.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
