Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
