If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
